


All the Universe Can Give

by TuiyLa



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 00:30:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16821526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuiyLa/pseuds/TuiyLa
Summary: “You want a whole universe. Someone who has seen it all and that’s me! I’ve lived longer, seen more, loved more and lost more. I can share it all with you, anything you wanna know about what you’ve never had.”Because we all wanted the Solitract to take on the form of someone the Doctor loved. Or, in this case, damn near everyone she's ever cared about.I tried to include as many companions as possible in this alternate take on the Doctor and the Solitract being left alone in the other universe.The Doctor is forced to remember in order to share the universe with the Solitract.





	All the Universe Can Give

The Doctor found herself in an endless, bright room.

No more Erik, no more “Trine” or “Grace”. No more Graham or Yaz, just the eternal, blinding light.

The Solitract chose its person and it chose the Doctor.

“So what is it now?” she wondered.

The Solitract was nowhere and yet everywhere, all around her in this universe that it created.

She started walking forward, cautious steps not wanting to be caught off-guard. She searched for something, anything, but there was nothing in this new plane of existence. Nothing but her and the light of the Solitract.

“Hello?” she shouted into the emptiness. “Anyone out there? Don’t be shy now, it’s just us. We have a whole universe to explore!”

Just as she thought no answer would come, a voice cut through the silence: “Doctor?”

The Doctor looked up to see a figure emerging from what seemed like a fog of light. _No_ , she thought to herself. _It can’t be_.

“Doctor, is that you?”

The figure was fully in her view now. Bill Potts appeared like the day the Doctor met her. _Another lifetime_ , the Doctor reminded herself.

“Come on, Solitract,” she sighed, lowering her guard. “Don’t do this. You don’t have to lure me in anymore, I’m staying.”

Bill- no, the Solitract posing as Bill smiled. “Oh, Doctor. I have all their memories. How they love you, how they adore you. Is this what it’s like out there? My my, this one would _love_ your current form!”

She was slowly moving closer to the Doctor. The Time Lord didn’t even flinch but furrowed her brows. A mixture of anger and loss was boiling inside her that was threatening to erupt.

“Let her go, Solitract,” she warned. “Let go of her image. Her memory is not yours to play with.”

The figure suddenly transformed into another one the Doctor recognized. Nardole’s shorter, significantly balder body was standing right in front of her.

“Is this better then? Oh, Doctor, there’s so, so much here.”

“This is not the way to get to my universe,” the Doctor said. “Taking on the image of my friends is not going to get you anywhere.”

The Solitract seemed to consider this for a moment. Then it changed again, and though the Doctor was expecting it to, she still felt the air leave her lungs and both her hearts stop as the form of River Song materialized.

“But they’ve seen so much!” she exclaimed and the Doctor shut her eyes. Just for a moment, it did sound like her. _But it’s not_ , she reminded herself.

“They’ve all seen so much, and Doctor! The way they view you… is this what love is?”

The Solitract reached for the Doctor with its hand but the Doctor backed away, not willing to participate in its make-believe.

“They all loved you so much, didn’t they? And have such fond memories of you, even when you forget them.”

The Solitract transformed yet again. The figure was now shorter, brunette and sounded more like the Doctor’s current voice.

“Stop this,” the Doctor pleaded. Clara’s sad smile was staring back at her, mocking her with all the memories she almost had and couldn’t put her finger on.

“You shouldn’t fight this, Doctor” the Solitract disappeared for a moment, only to come back as two different people yet again. The Ponds themselves were now facing her down. She continued in Amy’s Scottish accent: “Do you even know how precious their love is? Why would you ever want to move on from this?”

“You wouldn’t know, would you?” the Doctor yelled with newfound fire. “You can pretend to be them, you can take their forms but you will never, ever know what it’s like to lose them!”

The Solitract, caught off-guard by the sudden energy of the Time Lord, altered its forms again. Keeping itself separate, one remained a red-headed woman though slightly older, while the other became an elderly man with reindeer hat on.

The two forms glanced at each other knowingly. The Doctor’s anger was cooling down by the second, not wanting to give in to the Solitract’s show. She wasn’t gonna play along, no matter how many people it brings up from her past.

It wasn’t easy, oh it, it was not. The Solitract was going several lifetimes back now and the Doctor could hardly fight the urge to scream out in anger at the mementos of her loss, of her mistakes. “You move on from loss, that’s what you don’t get,” the Doctor said after she collected herself. “You love, you lose, and then you move on and keep living. ‘Cause you wanna know what the universe is? The universe is pain. It’s the pain of inevitable death and relationships being broken up and friends being lost and it’s the letting go. That’s why Graham and Erik had to reject you, don’t you see? They know that no matter how much it hurts, they have to let go.”

“Oh, Doctor,” Donna’s form said. The figures merged into one again and took on the form of another young woman. A doctor was now facing _the_ Doctor as the Solitract spoke in Martha’s voice. “How come that after all that time you spent with these people you’re still in denial? You never really let go, do you?”

Before the Doctor could retort, the Solitract was now in the form of Jack Harkness, continuing its previous train of thought: “Look at all these friends, companions. They keep going back to you, drawn to you. Just like you’re drawn to them, aren’t you?”

“You can love someone and still let them go,” the Doctor argued. “Trust me, I’ve lived long enough to know that.”

The Solitract changed forms before speaking again.

“Is that so?” Mickey’s voice was mocking the Doctor. “You’re full of contradictions Doctor, I must say. You say it’s best to let these people go and yet you’re so clearly affected when they come back to you.”

“And that is how I know you’ve never loved.” the Doctor stated, standing tall, facing the Solitract. She knew what was coming and braced herself.

The Solitract sensed how tense the Doctor was becoming and couldn’t help but laugh. Just before it did so, Mickey Smith transformed into another figure. All yellow and pink and its laugh nothing like that of the real Rose Tyler.

“If this is all love then what is hate, hmm, Doctor?” the figure pondered. Briefly, the Master as the Doctor knew them just before the Time War appeared. The Doctor barely had time to have a gut reaction to that before the Solitract was standing in front of her in the form of a Dalek.

“Is this anger? Is this hatred? What am I now, Doctor?” the Dalek’s monotone voice was piercing through the air between them.

The Doctor didn’t reply. The Solitract was exploring a very unstable part of her timeline now.

It seemed to realize that and instead moved on from the Dalek’s form. A series of transformations occurred before the Doctor’s eyes: Liv, Molly, Tamsin, Lucie, C’rizz, Charley, Fitz, Sam, Grace. All of them flashed before her eyes like they were just a moment in time, doomed to pass in an instant. Her hearts felt heavier than they did in ages.

“All those lives, Doctor,” said the Solitract through Bernice’s voice. It shook its head, starting to get overwhelmed with the memories of the people it took on. “You truly have seen the universe.”

“Now you see why Erik and Graham couldn’t stay?” the Doctor asked, softening both her tone of voice and her stance. Her body relaxed as she took a step closer to the Solitract for the first time. “Do you see why I cannot stay?”

“No!” the Solitract shouted and threw the Doctor back a few steps. It stared at Bernice’s hands as they became Ace’s. She looked back up at the Doctor through the young eyes. “You have so much to tell me.”

“Solitract,” the Doctor pleaded again, though she stayed where she was. “You know how futile this is. I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry, but I can’t stay and you can’t be part of the universe.”

Ace’s form became Mel’s as a brown ponytail changed into ginger locks. The Solitract looked into the Doctor’s eyes, searching for something. Even it didn’t seem to know what as it transfigured into the elderly Evelyn.

“You’re selfish, Doctor, isn’t that what you are?” Evelyn’s voice was full of malice and the Doctor had to remind herself that this was not her friend. _It’s not her, it’s not any of them._

The space around them shook violently and both were thrown off their balance. When the Doctor regained her balance she saw that her arms were fading in and out of existence. She didn’t have much time and the Solitract had so much history to go through. _We could spend a thousand lifetimes looking through what I’ve lost_ , she thought to herself bitterly, _or thirteen_.

“See how your own creation is fighting you?” she reasoned with the Solitract. “You cannot keep this up. Let me get back to my universe so it can keep on existing, otherwise you’ll lose the chance to explore any memories forever!”

The Solitract took on a younger face again and Peri Brown was now frowning at the Doctor. Her hearts clenched for what felt like the hundredth time since the Solitract started this perverse walk down memory lane.

“You claim to care about the universe and those in it and you can’t even save your closest friends,” the American voice was filled with such hostility that the Doctor felt like losing her grip again. “Your universe is cruel.”

The Solitract’s expression softened and it let Peri go to become Turlough. It stopped for a second and changed again, becoming Tegan.

“Then again, so are you, Doctor. You are cruel, aren’t you? Never cruel, never cowardly... yeah, right.” The Solitract scoffed and collapsed onto the ground.

The Doctor felt it was safe to approach again. She squatted down next to the crying form of Nyssa.

“You see it through their eyes now, you know what the universe is. You’ve seen enough to know what to do.” The Doctor put a tender hand on Nyssa’s shoulder, only for that to become Adric’s.

“They all die in the end, don’t they? You said so yourself, your universe is pain and loss and death. So what’s the point?”

The Time Lord sat down and took the Solitract’s hands in her own. When she looked back up, Romana’s eyes were pleading with her for an answer.

“You’ve been the Master, now Romana. You know what it’s like to be a Time Lord, to live through so much and see it all. You know what “the point” is.”

The Solitract, now in Leela’s body considered this. Before speaking up again, it changed into Harry then again into one Sarah Jane Smith.

“But how do you do it, Doctor?” Sarah’s voice asked. “All these people, friends and companions, enemies, even. None of them really know you, do they? They think they do, but look at you!”

The Solitract stood up and by the time the Doctor herself was standing, it was the Brigadier looking back at her.

“Even when they see your many faces they still don’t know what you hide behind them. So many connections and yet you’re still so alone, are you not?”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong,” the Doctor said. “They do know me, all of them. As much as a person can know any other, really. That’s also life.”

Another quick transformation and Jo Grant’s puzzled expression was looking back at her.

“Your universe is scary, Doctor. Why would you even want to go back?”

“The same reason you’ve been trying to be a part of it from the beginning of time.” the Doctor whispered.

The Solitract changed into Liz Shaw for a short moment, only to shake its head and become Jamie instead.

“You’re just going to repeat the same cycle of love and loss,” it said, moving away from the Doctor. “How long can you keep that up, eh? How long until you see how pointless it is?”

The Doctor followed as the Solitract transformed itself into the small form of Victoria.

“You know it’s not,” the Doctor said and stopped a foot away from the Solitract, not wanting to overwhelm it. She knew that what the Solitract endured by going through the faces of her loved ones was comparable to what she was going through. Difference was, she had centuries, millennia to process it all. The Solitract was trying to comprehend all that she and her friends have been through in mere minutes.

Victoria was followed by Zoe. Zoe turned away from the Doctor and the Solitract was now two forms again, Polly and Ben. The two went in different directions, both burying their heads in their hands. As they turned into Steven and Dodo, the Solitract’s universe shook violently again. The Doctor knew this was a final warning and that the Solitract didn’t have long left. She braced herself for the last few forms to come.

“You’ve learned more in minutes than anyone should in centuries,” the Doctor said, catching the Solitract’s attention again. For a brief moment, both figures took on the form of Vicki Pallister before changing into Ian and Barbara.

The universe went quiet again. The two figures were staring at the Doctor, searching for an answer, searching for reassurance.

“This can’t be it,” Barbara’s voice spoke and was followed by Ian’s. “I still want to be a part of it, Doctor.”

Her mouth turned into a sad smile as the Doctor looked on the two forms of the Solitract standing in front of her. Now it has seen most of what the universe can be and decided it still wants a part of it. And yet, as the Solitract merged one last time and took on the form of her granddaughter, the Doctor knew that it understood.

“You have to send me back before all that you’ve seen is lost,” the Doctor said. She went up to Susan’s form and for a moment, just for a moment, let herself believe that it really was her. She lifted her hand to carefully trace the tears falling from her- from the Solitract’s eyes. “You know what to do.”

“You have so much more to tell me.” Susan’s voice was soft and weak and it took everything she had for the Doctor not embrace her. Except it wasn’t her, she knew that.

“Maybe one day.”

The Doctor prepared herself for the journey between the two planes of existence with this goodbye. This promise. Before she felt her body being thrust through the portal, she saw the Solitract alter its appearance again. It was perhaps one last attempt, perhaps an acknowledgement. As she was passing through the anti-zone, the image of her fifth grandmother lingered in the Doctor’s memory.

* * *

It felt strange being back in her own universe, with her new family. No, scratch that, it was more than strange. It felt like it’s been a thousand years since she was in Norway and she’s known Yaz or Graham or Ryan.

They said goodbye to Erik and Hanne but she was only halfway there. Part of her was still with the Solitract, with all those people from her past.

She’s been trying, consciously and subconsciously in this regeneration to move on. She didn’t want all that pain and regret anymore, she figured she lived with that for long enough. Her new face was a new start, along with her Team TARDIS.

The Solitract going through her past was like ripping a plaster off. Except it was a nuclear plaster with a millennia worth of memories under it.

She realized as she was entering the TARDIS with her three friends that the Solitract was right: she let go but didn’t at the same time.

“You alright?” Yaz snapped her out of her trance with her question.

The Doctor didn’t even realize that they were dematerialising. Yaz was standing next to her at the console, concerned eyes seeing right through her soul. Ryan and Graham were still on their way from the door to the centre of the console room.

Instead of answering, the Doctor squeezed Yaz’s hand with her own. She looked at her friend and tried to say all she could with just one gaze: _I know you’ll leave and I know I’ll move on but please stay with me as long as possible_.

Yasmin was taken aback by the intensity of the Doctor’s gaze at first but seemed to get at least some part of the message and squeezed back, smiling at the Doctor.

As soon as Graham was in her periphery, the Doctor practically jumped into his arms and gave him the hug she so desperately wanted to give Susan.

She barely heard Ryan’s comment about her almost knocking Graham off his feet. She looked around in her TARDIS, taking it all in.

Ryan was still making some jokes about her behaviour and Graham looked more confused than ever. Yaz laughed at whatever Ryan said and looked warmly at the Doctor.

This was her family now. She knew it wouldn’t last forever, she knew they have been others and there will be many more, but that didn’t matter. The Solitract was trying to compress so much into so little that it couldn’t comprehend the reason why the Doctor kept getting back up and finding new people.

All that mattered was what she had at that point in time, in the TARDIS, with Yaz, Ryan, and Graham. Everything else, every _one_ else she kept in her hearts, never forgotten but left in peace.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written the few hours after the episode aired and not really proof-read so excuse any and all typos and other mistakes. I'll come back to it later to clear it up.
> 
> I tried to include everyone I could because I thought this was the perfect situation to make Thirteen face her past. Eighth's companions in particular are rushed through but hey, at least I named almost all of them? Sam and Fitz might not technically fit in with the timeline of Big Finish but they are precious and important so they are still here. Also Evelyn because she deserves to be remembered.
> 
> I think I'm actually kinda cool with the episode not taking this path. Obviously including this many companions would have been impossible for various reasons, in fact I was thinking during that scene: wow, the situation I would like would only work in writing. So here it is, just some fun because I'm loving this series.
> 
> First published fanfic I've written for Doctor Who, though I've been thinking about doing something for Thasmin for a while. Thoughts?
> 
> For now though it's 1am and I have a 9am class, oops.
> 
> Oh, also, I assumed the Solitract knew all those things about Grace because it can somehow see the memories of the forms it takes. Hence what happens in this story.


End file.
